A Definitive Ranking of Soccer Players' Shaved Heads
With trips to the barber indefinitely on hold, players started shaving their heads. Here are the largely underwhelming results.
Look. I get it. My hair, even right now, is much longer than I like it. And, going by the current state of things, it will continue to get much longer than I like it. I like to think that by the end of near-total quarantine, I will have medium length hair with a rogue-ish charm, not unlike one of the students from Les Miz. Knowing my previous forays into long hair from high school, it will almost assuredly not look like that, but I’m choosing to remain positive. I also don’t want to shave my head because I also did that a couple times in high school, and I can definitively say the long hair was a better look. Swim team is one hell of a drug.
Unfortunately, several soccer stars around the globe decided over the last week that now is the time to fire up their New Millennium David Beckham cosplay. How did they all look? Well… they tried. Here they are ranked, from best to worst.
1. Hector Bellerin
I know that plenty of people will miss Hector’s locks. Whether short and floppy, medium and tousled, or long and loose, Hector has always had good hair-apart-from-that-time-he-had-cornrows-and-we-shan’t-speak-of-it. But much like Beckham cutting off his locks and the radical sea change it was for soccer hairstyles, Bellerin pulls this off. He’s always had fashion-model bone structure, and that’s just even more on display, while he gives off some Trainspotting-esque, rough around the edges vibes. Hector can, as always, get it with the buzz cut.
2. Presnel Kimpembe
Kimpembe has a real “respect your elders” vibe going with the bald head/mustache and soul patch combo. Looking like he was a hit in the club in the 80s and 90s and is still pulling down mad super likes on Tinder today. That’s a little thing called staying power, kids. Kimpembe passes here with flying colors.
3. Paul Pogba
Paul opted for the “to the skin” look, which… ok, I don’t particularly think looks good. I’m noticing like I’ve never noticed before that Pogba kinda has that Vincent Kompany forehead, I was always just blinded by the wonders of his hair. On the other hand, what this shave does look like is “ready to prove everyone wrong” hair styling. This is Michael Jordan comeback bald. This is very scary if you’re a midfielder that might be imminently facing off against Paul Pogba and/or if you’re Jose Mourinho bald. It’s not necessarily a bald I like, but it’s a bald I respect.
4. Emiliano Buendia
I don’t really have much to say about Emiliano Buendia’s buzz cut, apart from the fact that this lighting makes it look a little uneven. It’s very whatever on him. I just think he looks like a cutie in this picture. Very mischievous.
5. Jan Vertonghen
This hair kind of makes him look like if Jaime Lannister had really big ears. Obviously, unfortunate to point so much attention to the ears, but hey. At least you still look kind of like Jaime Lannister. Great jawline.
6. Ander Herrera
Ander Herrera is truly rocking a “freshman in undergrad at a predominantly white school and just let one of the guys on my hall with clippers buzz my hair” kind of cut, and it does not look good! It looks the opposite of good! He kind of looks like if someone took James McAvoy and somehow made him more Scottish, which is a stunning development for Spanish soccer star playing in France. Grow the hair back out Ander. Please.
7. Anthony Martial
First things first: Anthony Martial has a beautiful family. Second things second: HAHAHAHAHAHA. Anthony Martial WHAT ARE YOU DOING. Martial looks like if Ray-J hired a body double to attend some award show he didn’t actually want to go to, a la Hannibal Buress, and the only instructions given to him were “shave your head and just wear sunglasses, I bet you’ll fool one or two people.” Anthony Martial: please grow your hair back as soon as possible. I can’t handle someone that looks like this scoring the goals that you tend to score.
8. Having a Cliff Hundreds of Feet in the Air Crumble Beneath My Feet as I Eat Skyline Chili
9. Eden Hazard
This one is impressively bad, considering Eden’s hair is usually so short as to flirt with being a buzz cut on a regular basis. But hair this short, with no edging, no fade whatsoever? It makes him look like an extra in American History X. This haircut has a very active history in the comments section of The Blaze. This haircut seasons its food exclusively with salt, pepper, allspice, cinnamon, and celery salt. In fact, hold on. Give me one second here.
That’s more like it.
Listen to Some Gorgeous New Music
My friend Jeremiah released his debut album yesterday. You should listen to it. Here’s one of my favorite songs.
He sounds like a gospel choir dipped in gold, if that’s the sort of thing that you’re in to.
Trivia Time
Trivia is back.
What European club team has the highest goals per game ratio in European Cup competition of all time?