All the People We Need to Time-Kidnap for Zac MacMath to Start for the USMNT
Let's perform some time travel, and, um, some non-violent felony offenses. But, like, in a humane way.
I love MLS. And as a fan of a league, I have some all-time favorite players from that league. I imagine you do, as well. It’s only natural. You see the players who are legends for your clubs, or legends in general, who are good or great or supernatural on the pitch, and you lock them away in your mind as the players you always look back upon, the collective soul of that league you love so much.
Zac MacMath is one of my favorite MLS players of all time. I’m in the minority on that one. Zac MacMath is a journeyman back-up goalkeeper whose career has been so average he doesn’t even have an “Honours” section listed on his Wikipedia entry (which greatly undersells his selection in the 2010 Jewish Sport Review’s All-America team). He used to a play a bunch for the Philadelphia Union, but now, he plays not so much, periodically being traded to another team, where he also does not play very much.
I’m fascinated by Zac MacMath’s career for one simple reason: Zac MacMath is cursed. Plain and simple. Every single time it seems like he’s going to get an opportunity to play consistently again, he gets shut right down. A player gets drafted, or signed, or emerges from the academy, and MacMath gets sent back to the bench, eventually moving along to the next place. Zac MacMath managed to get benched by two out of the three goalkeeper designated player signings in MLS history (yes, I’m counting Rais M’Bolhi as a designated player, because it’s funnier to say that). Philly shipped him to Colorado the next year because they also had drafted Andre Blake, and MacMath started for all of about two seconds before the Rapids handed Tim Howard’s crumbling body almost $3 million a year for four years, a contract that took him from the ages of 37 to 40. MacMath got traded to the Whitecaps, where Maxime Crepeau beat him for the starting job, and then Saskatchewan Schmeichel made him surplus to requirements. Real Salt Lake traded for him right after Nick Rimando retired… and subsequently went with someone named Andrew Putna in goal, who is almost assuredly a computer-generated character from Football Manager.
Zac MacMath is cursed. But there was a time, so many years ago, when Zac MacMath was a promising young keeper who looked the part of an international player in the making. The guy had over 100 appearances for the Union by the age of 23!
So I began thinking: what would it take to craft the career that Zac MacMath might have had, if things had broken his way, here and there? If he had been allowed to build upon his early success with the Union instead of being passed over for flashier models? In fact, what would it take for Zac MacMath to be the U.S. No. 1, to venture outside North American borders, to achieve international glory?
The answer is time travel. And kidnapping. But, like, not mean kidnapping. Benign kidnapping that the people who are kidnapped will ultimately appreciate. Going back in time, pulling them into the time machine, and then popping out at a later date where they can carry on with their respective careers or lives or whatever. If they’ve got loved ones they want to take along, the more the merrier. We can even skip ahead to the end of 2021, so they don’t have to live through the pandemic. If anything, this time-kidnapping is a humanitarian service.
So, who do we need to time-kidnap for Zac MacMath to start for the USMNT? Oh, just a couple people.
Rais M’Bolhi
This is a public service to the entirety of the Philadelphia Union fanbase, and also Zac MacMath’s career. They really shelled out all that cash for the dude who coughed up a rebound to Landon Donovan, huh. We’re time-kidnapping him, simple as that. Zac MacMath keeps his starting goalkeeper position at the age of 22 and Jim Curtin’s trust in him begins to fully cement, as Curtin himself grows into the head coach position and the Union academy begins to bear fruit. The Union win the 2014 Open Cup, MacMath making two stunning saves on Obafemi Martins and Clint Dempsey in extra time and taking the game in penalties.
Andre Blake
We want MacMath starting for the U.S.? Andre Blake has to go. Nothing says “we do not ultimately have that much faith in or plans for you” like trading away resources to grab the number one pick in the draft and take the one player that everybody says is the surefire, can’t miss prospect, who also happens to be playing your position and is also your age. Can’t have that. Andre Blake was always going to step into the starting role in Philadelphia. It was clear from the second they drafted him (bearing in mind that we already time-kidnapped M’Bolhi, and he never signed with the Union).
Even with a strong Open Cup run, the Union had designs to work Andre Blake in, and while I have complete confidence in a trusted Zac MacMath to rise to the challenge and up his game between 2014 and 2016, it’s also best just to deal with the distraction by… getting rid of it in the time-space continuum. It does not, unfortunately, come with the added benefit of the USMNT beating Jamaica in the 2015 Gold Cup semi, as Blake wasn’t even starting for his international side yet. We’re just going to have to hold that L, even in the Extended MacMath Universe (EMU).
William Yarbrough
This one seems a little farther out there, so let me explain. 2015 was the year of Yarbrough fever. The rare reverse-dual-national, an American with American parents who was born and raised in a different country, William Yarbrough became Jurgen Klinsmann’s flavor of the month third keeper for the USMNT while Tim Howard took something of an extended international sabbatical, and Brad Guzan and Nick Rimando occupied the 1 and 2 goalkeeper slots. It makes sense: Yarbrough was starting for Leon in Liga MX and doing pretty well. Liga MX is a league well-known for attackers absolutely not caring about how far away they are from goal or what other people think of their hairstyles. It keeps a ‘keeper on his toes, right?
Not really, as it all turned out! Yarbrough didn’t do much with the U.S., eventually lost his starting job in Mexico, and signed a loan deal to play for… the Colorado Rapids, who never got the opportunity to sign Zac MacMath, since the Union realized how good they had it. Still, let’s time-kidnap him. We open up a slot for a younger keeper to start getting his feet wet internationally, putting his name out there, maybe even getting into that friendly against Denmark and doing something, who knows? Plus, we get to enact some small measure of revenge on someone who the Rapids gave more starts to than MacMath. Even though the butterfly effect of all this stuff means we probably won’t remember MacMath’s MLS wandering at all. Unless it’s like the Ashton Kutcher movie where you retain knowledge of all the timelines. Is that how that worked? I didn’t pay attention to the full thing.
Tim Howard
I don’t know, man. Maybe this is a little bit of belated time-payback. Just feels like we need to kidnap Howard. And I know many fans will want to kidnap him sometime after World Cup 2014, when he saved our bacon many a time, but might I suggest sometime even earlier, like before he had the chance to make those dumb comments about Spanish ceremonies at the 2011 Gold Cup finals?
Julian Nagelsmann
I would like to apologize to the soccer analytics community and soccer hipsters everywhere, but we have to kidnap Julian Nagelsmann and place him in some other time for Zac MacMath to succeed. At this point, MacMath is clearly one of the best keepers in MLS. He’s shown promise for the USMNT. He’s gaining interest abroad.
Julian Nagelsmann, in all his young, hip, tactical-savant glory, is a problem in all of this. He’s bursting onto the scene. His Hoffenheim side is good as hell. It’s giving everyone else ideas. You know who else is pretty good, at the time? RB Leipzig assistant Jesse goddamn Marsch, that’s who. We’re time-kidnapping Nagelsmann so Red Bull can’t sign him. Tough, but fair, in my opinion. He goes to the future where Pep is a fraud that can’t beat West Ham and soccer has completed and utterly reverted back to kicking long balls into the opponent’s half and then pressing the other team into making a mistake. Nagelsmann has other ideas. He’s heralded as the Soccer Savior in the future. It all works out great for him.
MEANWHILE, Jesse Marsch gets an accelerated degree completion program at the Red Bull finishing school for American prospects, takes over the squad from Ralf Rangnick himself, looks at long-time club servant Peter Gulacsi, and says to himself “I can do better than that.” And who does he buy? ZAC FRIGGIN’ MACMATH, THAT’S WHO.
Everyone goes nuts. Zac MacMath goes ballistic in goal. He becomes the clear-cut U.S. No. 1.
Prime Minister Boris Johnson
I think there are plenty of good reasons for wanting to time-kidnap Boris Johnson, but here’s the one I’m aiming for: let’s get rid of this Brexit deal entirely, yeah? I know less than nothing about UK politics, but if I’m not mistaken, the whole Brexit plan only finally coalesced under Johnson, yes? He’s the guy that’s doing it? Ok. We’re time-kidnapping Boris Johnson to make sure that doesn’t happen.
Yes, I want to do something nice for my English friends who don’t want to leave the EU, but I’m also trying to make sure that the Premier League doesn’t start getting even weirder about their foreign player limits, because we need Zac MacMath to be able to get that Chelsea transfer that they’re needing. Kepa’s royally screwing up, all of the other keepers in England look like they’re either washed or locked down, and Chelsea manager Mauricio Pochettino needs a solution. MacMath is a little pricey, as far as goalkeepers go, but this is Chelsea we’re talking about. Spare no expense.
Sheikh Mohammed bin Hamad bin Khalifa Al Thani
Time to kidnap a sheikh! If you didn’t know, Sheikh Mohammed bin Hamad is the son of the Emir of Qatar and was the chairperson for Qatar’s 2022 World Cup bid. You know. The bid that totally wasn’t rigged in any way, shape, or form. Yeah. We’re going to have to time-kidnap that guy.
This kidnapping comes with LOADS of side-benefits. Namely, preventing the deaths and utterly miserable treatment of thousands of migrant workers trying to erect stadiums for Qatar, which still does not have the infrastructure to support hosting a World Cup in the first place. But it also gives the USA a much better chance at hosting the 2022 World Cup, a World Cup that will come smack dab in the middle of Zac MacMath’s prime as a goalkeeper. The USMNT builds on their quarterfinal apperance in the 2018 World Cup by reaching the semifinals, on the back of a Man of the Match performance from MacMath. They play the semi against France in the Chester Community stadium, a picturesque, 70,000-seater that’s become the centerpiece of Chester’s revitalization and the home of the Union. It’s the fourth of July. France take an early lead, only for Christian Pulisic to answer back in the second half. In the 85th minute, Eduardo Camavinga spins Gale Agbossoumonde and gets in alone on goal, feinting to his left before trying to cut back right. MacMath comes out to meet him, reading the fake all the way and smothering the ball. He quickly outlets to Gio Reyna, who races up the middle of the field before releasing Juan Agudelo, who cracks his finish into the top corner. Raptures. The Delaware river shakes. President Julian Castro hugs everyone he can get his hands on.
The USMNT lose valiantly in the final to Belgium. MacMath retires from international play, handing the gloves off to Zack Steffen.
Secretary of State Henry Kissinger
I just want to time-kidnap Henry Kissinger. And put him in the Dark Ages. Screw that guy.
Tyler Miller
As Zac MacMath gracefully finishes his career, he seeks a return to MLS, back where it all started, as the league continues to grow in fits and starts, here and there. The Union are a mega-club, competing with Barcelona for players. The Chicago Fire have just been promoted back to the first division, settling into their role as the Bournemouth of the U.S. And Zac MacMath, needing a club, lands with the Colorado Rapids.
But Zac MacMath is going to start. And knowing Zac MacMath, I know there’s some MLS ‘keeper out there that will get signed by some team as a backup and try to weasel his way into the Starting XI, someone with a name like Jeff Atinella or Clint Irwin or… Tyler Miller. Yeah. Tyler Miller has “MLS veteran keeper that will randomly steal your job” written all over him. We’re time-kidnapping Tyler Miller. Zac MacMath helps lead Colorado to an Open Cup trophy, and eventually, at the age of 35, retires from the game, a U.S. legend.
And I’m sure, once I get my time-travel machine all sorted out, it will happen exactly like that.
The kicker is that '13 McMath had a stronger year for the Union than half of Blake's years at Philly. Wasn't he killing it for Colorado before Howard came back too? Definitely feel bad that the stars have been aligning (figurative and literal {Rais & Tim}) against Zac throughout his career.