An American Soccer Extravaganza to Help You Ignore Election News
Need to stop doom-scrolling? Here's a board game.
If you’re anything like me, today is going to be 16 hours of non-stop anxiety hell! There’s going to be lots of people yelling at you to vote, and after you finally vote, you, yourself, might turn around and yell at other people to also go vote, and then you’ll feverishly scroll through Twitter or click through news channels as more and more election results come trickling in, with the full knowledge that a minority rule is not only possible in this country, it has actually happened already on multiple occasions, including this present moment!
That’s not fun or cool. You should vote, yes. 100%. But also, you should try to make sure you don’t drive yourself crazy today, a day where it will be incredibly simple to do so. To help you with that, I crafted the American Soccer Extravaganza board game to help.
The Goal
This game is best played with two to five players, and will simply require the board, some tokens you can use as player pieces, two six-sided dice, and a deck of Soccer God cards (uh… I’ll explain those here in a second). The object of the game is simple: go from the START sign, off the board, to the END sign, off the other end of the board, before all of your friends do. And try to sabotage their process along the way, just like in real life.
Set-up
Player Turn Order
The player who goes first is the one that has enough money to send their child to a prestigious soccer academy in the United States. If multiple people have this money, roll a dice between you to see who goes first. If no one has this kind of money, the person who is a dual-national or has a path to dual-citizenship goes first. If multiple people or no people have this, settle it amongst yourselves in a sporting manner. I suggest a boxing match.
Player Turns
In their turn, a player must roll one die and move their token the corresponding amount of places. Once they land on a square, the square will give them specific instructions, and the player will follow them accordingly.
Some of these instructions include moving forward or backward extra spaces. Square effects stack, so if you have landed on a square that tells you to move forward an extra two spaces, and the subsequent space you land on tells you to move back three spaces, guess who’s bouncing around until you finally wind up on a neutral space?
The Squares
So, what are all these other squares, then? I’m glad you asked.
Special Squares
In addition to the regular squares around the board, you’ll notice two types of special squares around the board that are repeated. These are the Because Chuck Blazer Says So squares, denoted by the picture of the man himself, and the Dual-National Panic squares, represented by the picture of the comic book lady screaming.
At the beginning of the game, each player is dealt three dual-national cards from the Soccer God cards stack. Any player may receive more Soccer God cards when they land on a Because Chuck Blazer Says So square. Importantly, while most of the cards in the Soccer God deck are comprised of dual-national cards, there are a few Soccer God Power cards that can be played by any player before they roll the die for their turn. The Soccer God Power cards are as follows:
Oguchi Onyewu’s Stare: send another player back five squares. The player sent back does not perform any requirements their new square would usually make them do.
CONCACAF Excess: you may roll two dice instead of of one for one turn.
Switch of Play: you may change spots on the board with another player. Do not perform any special square requirements.
Frankie Hejduk’s House Party: everyone must put all cards from the Soccer God deck back into the deck, reshuffle, and then everyone is dealt three new cards. Also, the player who plays Frankie Hejduk’s House Party must wear sunglasses the rest of the game.
The Jill Ellis Special: the formation of every player on the board gets scrambled. Everyone rolls two dice. The person with the highest score takes the furthest forward position on the board previously occupied by a player, the next highest score takes the second furthest forward position, and so on. Do not perform any special square requirements.
The Soccer God deck should contain 35 Dual National cards, and two of each God Power card.
The normal, non-powerful, Dual National cards are for the Dual-National Panic squares. Each time a player lands on one of these squares, players must bid dual nationals to quell the Dual-National Panic. Players reveal how many dual national cards they have bid at the same time. The Dual-National Panic is quelled if enough dual national cards in total are bid. This number goes up each time the Dual-National Panic is activated: the first time someone lands on the square, two dual national cards total are required to quell the panic. This could one card be bid by two players each; this could be two cards bid by one player. As long as two cards are revealed, the panic is quelled. The second time, four cards are required to quell the panic, and so on. Players are not required to bid any cards at all during a Dual-National Panic. The player who bids the most dual national cards in any given vote gets to move forward an extra space, with tiebreakers to be settled with a dice roll.
If a Dual-National Panic is not quelled because players did not bid enough dual national cards as a whole, all players must relinquish any Soccer God Power cards they have obtained, to be shuffled back into the deck.
Normal Squares
VOTE: you must start the game by voting this Election Day. No exceptions. If you are ever sent back to the VOTE square, feverishly check the NYT election needle or do five push-ups, either one.
Pulisic Did His Hammy: Guess we’re going to have to dust off that “injury-prone” label again. Move back one space.
Sonnett Made a Funny: That rapscallion! Neutral space. Do not move forward or backward.
A Never-Ending Chorus of Kazoos: You have seen the light of the U.S. player compilation game, and know what you must now do. Follow the arrow to the corresponding kazoo space.
Because Chuck Blazer Says So: Draw a card from the Soccer God deck.
Escape from Schalke: You did it! You got out of there! Move forward one space.
No Positives: You manage to get your squad through another round of virus testing with no positives. Good for you! But also, the pandemic is still a thing and everything still kind of sucks. Neutral space.
Freddy Adu Dated JoJo: Wow. You remember that? Crazy. Neutral space.
The Unbridled Hope of a Youth World Cup: The U.S. did great in a youth World Cup! I can’t wait to be inevitably disappointed with 75% of these players’ careers! Move forward three spaces.
Hey Look, It’s Sophia Smith: That’s pretty neat. Neutral space.
Geoff Cameron Corners You With His Conspiracy Theories: What started out as a couple drinks in Boston has taken a significantly darker turn. You can’t escape. Go back to VOTE.
You’re Not an Influencer: You miss out on the Forward Madison Drip Kit freebies. Move back two spaces.
The Crystal Dunn Appreciation Zone: You know that Crystal Dunn is a Top-5 player in the world. Congratulations. Just like Christen Press being overwhelmed by Crystal Dunn’s joy, you have been overwhelmed by fame and success. Follow the arrow to the corresponding Crystal Dunn space.
DUAL-NATIONAL PANIC: A dual national panic bid is initiated.
A Jedi Appears: Not Anakin, Antonee. He kills none of the younglings. Neutral space.
Because Chuck Blazer Says So: Draw a card from the Soccer God deck.
Huge Wife Guy: Sometimes you’re just a big wife guy, supporting your wife’s sporting endeavors. Sometimes, you’re J.J. Watt, who might be the biggest wife guy in multiple senses of the phrase. Move forward one space.
Let’s Say Jordan Morris: ……….…………..you know what? I’m not going to get into that one again. Neutral space.
Reply Guys: You make the mistake of responding to an anonymous Twitter account with some variation of the US Soccer crest. They all swarm to your mentions. Move back three spaces.
Watching Josh Sargent: You get to watch Josh Sargent! You subsequently must also watch Werder Bremen. Neutral space.
Chris Richards in the 18: HE’S GOING TO GET MINUTES FOR BAYERN GUYS, SERIOUSLY, HE’S ALMOST A REGULAR AT THIS POINT. Move forward three spaces.
Another Outlet Pivoted to Video: Time to reach into your coin purse and support yet another one of your favorite writers who started a newsletter to support themselves. Move back three spaces.
Dance Dance: Fun celebrations are back. Move forward one space.
#FreeMidge: Midge Purce made it on the roster. She’s still listed as a defender. Move back one space.
The Matt Doyle Seal of Approval: Matt Doyle thinks your MLS team is not a catastrophe. Redeemable Internet tender for all MLS fanbases (offer not valid in Orlando). Neutral space.
Paxton’s Mustache Can’t Save Him: Pomykal’s season ends early. Again. Move back two spaces.
Get Pia’d: The team goes up against a Pia Sundhage squad in a tournament. We all know how this ends. Move back two spaces.
Ted Lasso Renewed: Once again, you can attempt to show off your vast knowledge of England’s lower leagues while your friends try to desperately communicate that they, in no way, care. Move forward one space.
Because Chuck Blazer Says So: Draw a card from the Soccer God deck.
Becky’s Here: And she will balance your back line. Neutral space.
Mexico Breaks the Curse: Tough one, buddy. Go back to VOTE.
DeRo Hero: It’s Dwayne De Rosario! Sure, he’s not “American,” or whatever, but still. Dwayne De Rosario! Neutral space.
Snavely Strikes: Whoops, I made fun of your team on the Internet, and you took it waaayyyy too seriously. Move back one space.
Catarina Gets Her Citizenship: WHAT A GREAT DAY. Move forward two spaces.
You Got Traded to the Rapids: Sorry about that. If it makes you feel any better, that can be seen as a symbol of MLS longevity. Move back two spaces.
Sierra Mist Sponsorship: I mean, yes, it is a sponsorship, I guess. Neutral space.
Because Chuck Blazer Says So: Draw a card from the Soccer God deck.
de Boering Company: Frank de Boer is rumored to be taking the reins at your club. Move back one space.
Reggie Cannon’s Righteous Fury: You’re morally correct, and you know it, and you’re not going to walk back on that. Good for you. Move forward two spaces.
Tobin Megs You: It’s ok. It happens to everybody. Neutral space.
DUAL-NATIONAL PANIC: A dual national panic bid is initiated.
Get Signed by magicjack: Ehhh… better luck next time. Move back two spaces.
The Rapinoe: Because you really are just that much better than everyone else. Move forward one space.
Tyler Adams in the Midfield: What’s not to love? Neutral space.
Dest’s Keepie Uppies: That probably could’ve gone better. Move back three spaces.
WHAT ARE WE DOING?: WHAT. ARE. WE. DOING? Move back six spaces.
The first player to make it off the board wins! That all seems simple enough, right? Sure. That… might not make you any less stressed out today. But I guarantee, if you play it, you will not be thinking about Election Day whatsoever. Probably. Except for that VOTE square. You’ll instead by faced with several structural challenges the United States still hasn’t really tried to fix at all in the soccersphere. So, depending on how you feel about that, this game will either be a fun and silly time, or will end all of your close interpersonal friendships. And that’s what a good board game is supposed to be, right?
You know what, why don’t you just playtest it for me and I can hit up some investors with feedback?