Building Soccer's Perfect Alignment Chart
Let's get nerdy, kids.
One of the things that haunts my every waking moment is the following question: if you had to make an alignment chart out of soccer figures, who would be on that chart? That is the question that haunts me because I am a massive nerd, and I play Dungeons and Dragons. I know I’ve made plenty of D&D references in my soccer writing in the past, and several of you people have begged me for more, so let’s get right into it, why don’t we? Behold: the Soccer Alignment Chart.
The next step in my nefarious plan to turn you all into D&D nerds is to explain how alignments work, and subconsciously get you building your own character in your head. Basically, an alignment describes how you’re character acts. I always find it a little strange choosing an alignment before playing an actual character, because sometimes you think you’re going to play a character one way and then you end up playing them completely differently as situations emerge. So, I like to look at alignments as descriptive, and not prescriptive. They are the description of the character, not how the character necessarily wants to be seen.
If a character is more chaotic, they tend to bend and break the rules to suit their purposes. If they are more lawful, they’re more apt to follow the rules or a set code. If a character is Good, you can read that as good in a traditional sense, but I like to think of it as “looks out for other people before themselves.” Vice versa, I don’t necessarily think a character needs to be killing people in order to be described as Evil, but they almost certainly look out for themselves to the detriment of others. All that make sense? Good. Now let’s get into the chart.
Lawful Good - Mo Salah
Most likely class: Cleric, Paladin
The goody two-shoes of the group. Lawful Good characters follow the rules, stick up for their friends, and are just sickeningly good people. That’s why D&D’s warrior priests, Clerics and Paladins, usually constitute most of these characters. Like, seriously, lighten up a little bit. But! That doesn’t mean they have to be boring, dry, or weak. Just look at Mo. Did you know that over the course of his Liverpool career, he has accrued three yellow cards total? Three! After 8,000 minutes of play, in which he is hounded by defenders! Not to mention he seems like a complete sweetheart, loves his family, and just in general seems like a very good person.
Neutral Good - N’Golo Kante
Most likely class: Almost any of them, but Monks, Fighters, and classes with nobility and honor baked into them.
Neutral Good characters are very easy to mold into whatever type of class you want, because you’ve basically just made the standard hero. The character is a good person who knows how to follow the rules, but sometimes breaks them if they get in the way. Classes with a lot of tradition and honor fit this really well, like Monks and Fighters, but you can make almost any class a neutral good character. And that’s exactly why we pick N’Golo Kante here. Who doesn’t love N’Golo Kante?
He’s humble and sweet to the point of embarrassment. That doesn’t mean he’s not a handful on the field, however, and knows how to bend the rules best to his disposal, or have some bite in his game. Kante is the ideal Neutral Good Player. One of the first two people I picked for this chart, without any hesitation.
Chaotic Good - Megan Rapinoe
Most likely classes: Paladins, Druids, Rangers, anyone with a good heart and anarchist tendencies
The Chaotic Goods of the world break laws. They do it for good reasons, absolutely. But they are troublemakers in their own way. Paladins can swing wildly back and forth on this scale because Paladins, while holy warriors, are high in charisma and generally down to party. Druids are all about preserving nature and magic, which means they generally have good intentions, but give less than a fuck about your laws. Same goes for Rangers, who are more or less Druids that were a little more housebroken and have less magic. But really, most classes can be Chaotic Good if they want to be. That’s one of the reasons it’s such a popular alignment. Take Megan Rapinoe. Someone who fights for what is right and good, and typically does that by not following whatever unwritten (or sometimes written!) rule you want to put onto her. Chaotic Good characters are never quiet characters. They make their presence known, and in the biggest way possible.
Lawful Neutral - Mike Dean
Most likely classes: Cleric, Fighter, Wizard
You’ll notice that as soon as Lawful characters stop being Good, they become literally the worst. Lawful Neutrals have a strong sense of the rules, what is right and what is wrong, and then usually apply those rules somewhat selectively. Sometimes they go out of their way to help people; sometimes they serve mostly just themselves. What I’m trying to say is, Mike Dean is the most Lawful Neutral person I’ve ever seen.
Neutral - Leo Messi
Most likely classes: All of them
Ah, the beauty of the true neutral character. Never having to pick right or wrong if they don’t want to. Any class can be a neutral character, although most people will begin playing their neutral character in decidedly non-neutral ways as games wear on, and characters change. That’s why I chose Messi here. Is he, or was he, a precocious, golden child at one point who seemed adorable and could do no wrong? Yes! Does he always follow the rules? Ask Spanish tax authorities! Many people typically view him along the “Messi=Good, Ronaldo=Evil” dichotomy, but look at the guy. He went and got his tattoo sleeves and bleach blonde hair. He’s sick and tired of carrying Argentina on his back to no avail. He’s not the angel we once made him out to be; nor is he a bad person, I think. He’s just a person. And that’s a true neutral.
Chaotic Neutral - Ashlyn Harris
Most likely classes: Barbarian, Rogue, Sorcerer
Welcome to the party animals of the group. Chaotic Neutrals are brawlers and mischief makers who have the propensity to be good, but also are people that are going to have a good time and look out for Number 1. Ashlyn Harris, who was the other person I chose without hesitation alongside Kante, is really the posterchild here. Just go back and look at those Instagram stories from the World Cup.
That’s a Chaotic Neutral character. The type of person that you absolutely love being friends with, but sometimes get slightly nervous in terms of having them watch your back in a life and death situation.
Lawful Evil - Jose Mourinho
Most likely classes: Wizards
These are the sniveling villains of D&D, the people that tie you up in bureaucratic red tape and then slit your throat. I chose Wizards here because I feel like if your Lawful Evil villain isn’t an archdevil, it’s usually a Wizard. Sorcerers and Warlocks don’t follow the rules and Wizards give off that “all-powerful magic” vibe that gives enemies an edge. Again, any character can be anything, but…Wizards. Anywho, this is Jose Mourinho. The methodical self-destruction at each and every club, the same way, almost every time. The rigid tactics that seem to never change. The defense of self above all other people. Jose Mourinho is that dude, and we all know it.
Neutral Evil - Eric Cantona
Most likely classes: All of them, really
Neutral Evil characters are interesting because, like the rest of the neutrals, they’re usually a bit more complex, all told. They’re looking out for themselves and themselves above all, but they also choose to selectively follow some rules and just banish the rest from the realm. Almost like they keep a running code in their head that they’re constantly updating. I chose Eric Cantona here for his unpredictability. Want someone that’s going to fly off the handle at any minute? Eric Cantona. Want someone that instead of kicking you in the face, will deliver cryptic messages from the future that you might despair over? Eric Cantona. Anybody can be a Neutral Evil. It’s just much harder to cookie-cutter the neutral evils when compared to several other alignments.
Chaotic Evil - Luis Suarez
Most likely classes: Warlocks, Barbarians, literal monsters
Let me start by saying: you shouldn’t try to run a Chaotic Evil character in a game of D&D UNLESS your DM and other players are cool with it AND you’ve got a really good plan how to make it cool and not just grief everyone else at the table. Let me also say that WARLOCKS DON’T HAVE TO BE EVIL. They just have a skill tree that depends on them going further and further into a pact with a supernatural patron, who more often than not, is evil, and that tends to rub off on the character. Now that that’s out of the way, Chaotic Evil characters are people that are going to try to kill you in the loudest ways possible. Trolls, Giants, and many supernatural beasts are Chaotic Evil, and for good reason. And that’s where we come to Luis Suarez. The most obvious choice to my mind, outside of maybe Vinnie Jones, Suarez embodies the chaotic evil. The habitual biting of other people, the constant rule bending and breaking. It’s almost incredible that as good as Suarez is, he’s known more for just how insane he’s acted on the field then some of his mind-blowing seasons and goal-scoring total. If that’s not a Chaotic Evil character, I don’t know what is.
A small note in conclusion: I didn’t reference Bards at all here, because to my thinking, they are the most blank slate character in the game when it comes to alignment. Not sure how your character should act? Play a Bard and let it ride, baby.
T-T-T-TRIVIAAAAAA
What Brazilian has scored the most international goals?
Answer to yesterday’s trivia: as far as I can tell, the American player with the most Liga MX appearances who is NOT ethnically Mexican is the most interesting man of U.S. Soccer himself, Jonathan Bornstein, who edges out Damarcus Beasley and Cle Kooiman.
This whole thing made me cackle with glee on an otherwise terrible day. Thank you.
The entire chaotic side of the chart is f’ing inspired.