MLS is a league of moments. Unlike most other soccer leagues, however, the moments that make MLS so memorable are just as frequently the dumbest things you can possibly imagine as they are jaw-dropping plays. So, I did something VERY original, and created a bracket full of MLS moments for all of us to fight over. A couple notes and ground rules about this bracket:
1) I picked out these things within the span of two hours in the middle of the night. It’s not comprehensive. It’s free form and loose, like contemporary dance. Sorry if you’re favorite moment didn’t make it.
2) The selections of said moments and the seeding are unquestionable and perfect. I’m not sorry your favorite moment didn’t make it. Don’t be a big baby.
3) There are a few moments that occur outside of MLS competition, but they still all relate to MLS teams, so I’m counting them.
So, now that the rules are out of the way, let’s take a look at this thing and get into our first round of voting, shall we?
I listed all of these things out then spent a half hour or so re-arranging them and finding the bracket I wanted. I didn’t know the bracket would shake out like this until I actually started putting all the text in, but was pleasantly surprised to see a few story lines really working their way to the top even in the first round. Anywho, you know how this works. Let’s get to the getting with our first group of contestants.
#1 Dwayne De Rosario’s Free Kick vs. #32 Jozy Altidore’s Drunk Celebration Parade
Kicking us off, we have what is probably the best goal scored in MLS history (YEAH, I SAID IT), followed by the most iconic celebration in MLS history (YEAH, I SAID THAT TOO).
One of the drawbacks of television is that when a shot travels very quickly, it’s hard to get a sense of just how fast it’s going. That is not a problem with this clip, even with video evidence that looks like it was ripped from a Sega Genesis. This thing moves faster than Broadway hopefuls out of New York City last month. And what do you do after hitting a free kick that would make Roberto Carlos blush? You do your patented dance, that’s what you do. DeRo was the coolest person in the world.
Up against this titan of a moment, we have Jozy Altidore having the time of his life after helping Toronto win MLS Cup in 2017.
Is this speech a sacrificial lamb for the glory that is Dwayne De Rosario? Sure. But it’s still funny as hell.
#16 The Thierry Henry Lean vs. #17 MLS Cup 2013’s Penalties
A historic celebration vs. a historic playoff moment!
Thierry Henry’s 400th career goal was a simple one, but the goalpost lean instantly became a classic MLS and Henry moment. He takes in the moment and the accomplishment, sure. But he also crosses that leg. It’s simple. It’s smug. It’s lightly disrespectful. It started a social media challenge. And it’s just the sort of thing that becomes iconic, which is to say, something’s form becoming so recognizable it merges with that thing’s meaning.
Up against that, there’s MLS Cup 2013, which was known for being colder than Elon Musk’s eyes and one of the wildest penalty shootouts in MLS history.
It’s casual disrespect against thrilling climax! Which are also the driving principles of my debut erotic novel!
#9 Steven Lenhart Twerks vs. #24 A Reporter Asks Bastian Schweinsteiger if the Chicago Fire can Win the World Cup
Listen, I don’t have to explain this one too hard to you, do I? It’s Steven Lenhart. And one time, after Steven Lenhart scored a goal, he did this:
Was it, in technical terms, twerking? No, as he clearly does not have the correct hip motion going to make those cheeks clap, as they say. In fairness to Lenhart, twerking is a very difficult mechanic for the human body to pull off. But he does give it all he’s got, which is certainly something.
Going up against this inspiring glute showcase is an excitable reporter wondering if the Chicago Fire will be competing for the World Cup.
There’s a very clear moment where Bastian Schweinsteiger thinks to himself “what the hell am I getting into,” in German, before translating that thought into English to see if his English skills are still up to par, and then, bless him, he still checks in with Paunovic to see if he heard everything correctly. Media sites: hire soccer writers!* But can this journalistic faux pas compete against… so much Steven Lenhart?
*LIKE ME
#8 #SaveDtheCrew vs. #25 Seattle Sounders Celine Dion Ass Tattoo
Probably the most successful and widely shared fan campaign in MLS history was Crew fans rebellion following Anthony Precourt’s announcement that he intended to move the Crew to Austin, TX, and the subsequent battle by the city of Columbus to retain the team. I didn’t believe they would stay. I don’t think many people outside of Columbus thought they’d stay. And then, suddenly, they were staying, and getting new ownership, and getting a new stadium, to boot.
And up against the Colombus’ amazing story of resilience, we have… well, we have an ass tattoo.
There’s several notable and strange MLS tattoos. The Philadelphia Union, at one point, actually employed an in-house tattoo artist. But this one… well, this one is a tattoo of Celine Dion’s head sprouting from MLS Cup in celebration of the Sounders victory in 2016, on Sounders fan Matt Oak’s ham hock. And that’s that.
All voting for these match-ups will be done on Twitter. So if you want to contribute, check out my feed over there.
Trivia, Trivia
In the history of the Ballon d’Or award, dating back to 1956, how many winners of the Ballon d’Or never played a game in a World Cup? And can you name those players?
Answer to yesterday’s trivia: the only nation besides French Guiana that plays in CONCACAF but is located in South America is, fittingly, Guyana, whose people primarily speak English, as well as a Guyanese form of Creole.