On the evening of Sunday, September 13th, USMNT Twitter exploded into debate, two sides decamping on whether Jordan Morris is an automatic starter for the United States Men’s National Team or not. Contextless statistics were shared. Comparisons to Pulisic were made. Friendships were shaken. At some point, someone said “Let’s say Jordan Morris is training to be a French chef,” or something close to that, and everyone proceeded to lose their damn minds.
This is an exploration of that madness.
Let’s say Jordan Morris is good. Let’s say Jordan Morris is bad. Let’s say Jordan Morris is fine. Let’s say Jordan Morris is the best. Let’s say Jordan Morris is the GOAT. Let’s say Jordan Morris is a goat. Let’s say Jordan Morris is the MLS Player of the Week.
Let’s say Jordan Morris is a perfect rectangle. Let’s say Jordan Morris is full of divine geometry. Let’s say if you cut Jordan Morris open, LEGOs will spill from his insides instead of blood. Let’s say you’re more of a DUPLO person. Let’s say heaven is a Roblox server. Let’s say the devil created Minecraft. Let’s say Jordan Morris is Dante.
Let’s say Jordan Morris is the unit of measure all things can be determined by. Let’s say you are either lesser or greater than Jordan Morris. Let’s say you are either taller or shorter than Jordan Morris. Let’s say you are mistaken for a Brazilian dance craze more or less frequently than Jordan Morris. Let’s say you will mate more or less continuously than Jordan Morris. Let’s say you want to be Jordan Morris. Let’s say I want to be Jordan Morris. Let’s say Jordan Morris would rather be Dave Coulier.
Let’s say Jordan Morris is an old man with leathery arms, with precious little family to speak of, but a grandson he adores. He goes to the docks each day, clambers into his little skiff, and sets sail in search of fish, his twisting salt and pepper hair wild in the wind, the salt clinging to his beard. Let’s say he hooks a fish that’s far too big for him, but he tries to land it any way. Let’s say the fish is an automatic starting position. Let’s say the fish is people who think starting Chris Richards in a full international match right now is a good idea. Let’s say the fish is going to Europe. The fish gets eaten anyway. The fish never gave a shit about you or Jordan Morris. Let’s say Jordan Morris doesn’t even like fish.
Let’s say Jordan Morris is the assassination of archduke Franz Ferdinand. Let’s say Jordan Morris is Chris Jericho’s debut on Monday Night Raw. Let’s say Jordan Morris is the bread and the knife, the crystal goblet and, somehow, the wine. Let’s say Jordan Morris is the Dutch East India Company pillaging the known world. Let’s say Jordan Morris is the music video for “Tubthumping” by Chumbawumba.
Let’s say Jordan Morris is New York City in 1835. Smoke chokes the sky and people crowd under its embrace. Let’s say Jordan Morris is the factory and the tenement. Let’s say Jordan Morris is the Hudson and the East River. Let’s Jordan Morris is a spark that jumps on Pearl Street, in the dead of winter, and erupts into a fire. Soon, a full warehouse goes up. By the time the firemen get there, it’s already spreading. The water they pump from the hydrants freezes as soon as it makes it out of their hoses, turning to snow in mid-air. A Christmas miracle. The fire spreads. Let’s say so much of New York burns that they can see it in Philadelphia. Let’s say Jordan Morris was the spark, the firemen shooting snow, the glow far out across the water. Let’s say Jordan Morris was destroyed. Let’s say Jordan Morris was rebuilt. Let’s say Jordan Morris will never die.
Let’s say Jordan Morris
Let’s say
Let’s
Soccer Minute Content
For those of you who don’t know, I landed a job working with Jimmy Conrad and Friends as a writer and segment producer for his various video projects, including The Soccer Minute and The Power Hour live show. Would mean a whole bunch to me if you gave The Soccer Minute a follow on social medias, as we step up our output of original content.
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Happy Tuesday!