Thus far in our MLS Moments bracket series, we’ve seen upsets, we’ve seen blowouts, we’ve seen that people really did not connect with Steven Lenhart twerking, and we’ve seen that Andrew Wenger dribbling out of bounds will be an enduring symbol of the league for years to come. So what next? Who will become the legends of today, and the immortal fools with which we present our leagues to whatever gods meet us when the world shrivels and pops like the edges of a fried egg?
Probably Clint Dempsey.
#2 Clint Dempsey’s Ref Book Massacre vs. #31 The Rapids Prairie Dog Plague
I apologize for posting a ten-minute highlight package, but you really need to get the full scope here. And yes, as several people pointed out, this was an Open Cup match, but it was two MLS teams competing in it, so I’m counting it.
Everything about this game had “American high school soccer rivalry” written all over it. Seattle finished the game with seven players on the field. Questionable referee decisions left Seattle players and fans livid. It was held at Starfire, so it felt like at any second some Dad from Tacoma was going to hop a fence and try to confront someone on the field. And at the center of it all was Clint Dempsey, who managed to swipe the referee’s book after said ref gave a quite soft straight red to Michael Azira, tear it up into little pieces, and then scatter it’s pieces to the wind as he was given a second yellow card for… I don’t even know what. Destruction of property? The Red Card Wedding, as it became known, was an instant classic.
And as one of the strangest moments on the field, it faces stiff competition in one of the most ridiculous stories off of it. It’s when the Colorado Rapids had to cancel pre-game festivities because prairie dogs around the stadium contracted the bubonic plague.
Look, the headlines do all the work here. Yes, a bunch of prairie dogs got the plague. Yes, it was THAT plague. So the Rapids had to cancel some pre- and post-match stuff, and then proceeded to play a game where nine goals were scored, as if the plague wasn’t bonkers enough. And as I type all that out, I’m beginning to realize just how much that foreshadowed the current state of the world.
#15 Eddie Pope Wins the Inaugural MLS Cup vs. #18 Alecko Eskandarian Spits Out Red Bull
In terms of crazy MLS Cup finals, I think plenty of U.S. soccer fans don’t realize how bonkers the very first MLS Cup championship was. DC United and the LA Galaxy faced off in Massachusetts. A nor’easter raged throughout the game, which played straight through the late fall storm. DC came back from two goals down, scoring in 73rd and 81st minutes to level the score. And extra time had one of those peculiar soccer features that permeated the 90s: Golden Goal.
Eddie Pope didn’t have many highlights in his career. He wasn’t really a highlight player. But that didn’t stop him from ending the first MLS Cup emphatically, burying Marco Etcheverry’s corner kick and using the soaked field like his own personal slip-n-slide in celebration.
And he goes up against another classic DC United moment: that time Alecko Eskandarian celebrated a goal by spitting out Red Bull.
In 2006, the Red Bulls name and ownership group were brand new to MLS. The rivalry with DC, however, was not, and Alecko Eskandarian found the perfect moment to poke fun at his rival’s corporate makeover: after a scoring a goal against them. It’s just a good moment of ingenuity and unapologetic fun, and it felt extremely MLS in a way that was petty and silly and was devoid of the blood and guts of many South American and European rivalries.
#10 David Beckham Signs vs. #23 Clint Mathis Scored Five Goals in One Game
Alright, we put him in here because we had to put him in here. David Beckham signing with Los Angeles indelibly changed MLS. But mostly, it changed MLS because sports outlets finally wanted to cover the league.
Yes, we’ve become a bit more accustomed to large crowds greeting players at airports, but this level of media attention had never happened in the league. I mean, that type of paparazzi scrum still doesn’t happen in the league. MLS already saw international stars pass through it’s doors, but in many ways, Beckham was the league’s first celebrity on the world stage. And it showed.
And challenging the Chiseled One’s arrival in the United States is one of our native sons: Clint Mathis, baby.
Mathis is exactly the type of player you’d expect to hold the record for most goals in a single MLS game, the not-immediately-obvious-star but the old-school-American-cult-hero type of player. He had a few screws loose and he was a terror on the field, and that’s what made him so much fun to watch, an icon of American soccer, and the type of player the national team misses to this day.
#7 Cameron Porter’s CCL Hail Mary vs. #26 Drake Ghosts Jermaine Defoe
In terms of important, dramatic goals in the face of improbably odds, in competitions that mean just as much to the league as a whole as they do to the individual teams competing in them, it doesn’t get much better than Cameron Porter’s last gasp finish for Montreal over Pachuca.
I remember watching this one live, and it’s seared into my memory. The chested touch to take the ball past his defender. The toe poke finish. The cameras and stands shaking with the weight of Montreal absolutely going ballistic. Frank Klopas hip thrusting at a referee with the passion and energy of a thousand burning suns. It’s just one of those moments that can’t help but become iconic. Cameron Porter didn’t even do anything else in soccer; he got injured, then played for SKC and Swope Park Rangers for a bit, and then retired at the age of 24. He’s the definition of burning out bright.
And to make this an all-Canadian grudge match, we’ve got Drake luring Jermaine Defoe to Toronto and then ghosting him. Drake tries to take as active a role as possible in most Toronto sports, and in 2014, Toronto was trying to move up the MLS food chain as quickly as possible, bringing in Michael Bradley from Serie A in a big-money move. But the Reds wanted more: they wanted Jermaine Defoe. So Drake called him up and sold him on The 6 with a promise that the two would hang out.
The two did not hang out. At least, not very much.
Defoe only lasted a year in Toronto before being swapped for Jozy Altidore. Defoe, for his troubles, won no silverware, did not get to hang out with Drake, and then had to go play for Sunderland. And that’s the worst case scenario in a high-profile move to Toronto.
Polls are on Twitter! Go vote on them! Also, there’s no trivia today, because this thing is late and I need to put it out. Sorry about that.