MLS Moments Battle Royale Day 4
The first round comes to an end with some red cards, some goals, and a strip club.
Something I love about MLS and its fandom is the continued willingness to embrace irreverence. The weird, the stupid, the silly, as much as many very serious supporters have stamped it out, is still in some measure embraced, and even celebrated, as quintessentially apart of soccer in the States. That’s why you see things advancing to the Soccer 16 like Andrew Wenger dribbling straight out of bounds, or Alecko Eskandarian choreographing his own Red Bull-themed celebration. These very silly, dumb things are an important part of what makes our league our league. And personally, I’d rather keep that attitude and give up becoming one of the greatest leagues in the world, if it came down to it. I just think fans of almost every sport, everywhere could stand to lighten up.
ENOUGH RUMINATING. LET’S GET TO THESE BATTLES OF GLORY AND HONOR AND TROLLING.
#3 Cozmo Tells Jose Mourinho It’s Called Soccer vs. #30 Eric Hassli’s Two-Shirt Celly
This match-up is actually my greatest regret of this bracket, because it might just be the best battle of the entire thing, and it happens in the first round. To start, there is what in unquestionably the most MLS image of all time.
Noted avatar of American soccer Cozmo, the alien who watches over the LA Galaxy, with a little tripod stand and a hand-made sign that just says “It’s Called Soccer,” displayed as then Manchester United head coach Jose Mourinho walks past, trying incredibly hard not to look at it. And it goes against one of the dumbest, greatest celebrations in league history: Eric Hassli taking off his jersey to reveal another, identical jersey, and being sent off for it.
Hassli was on a yellow card, and, I theorize, thought he could escape a second yellow due to the jersey underneath, whether counting on the referee to struggle with object permanence, or simply interpreting the letter of the law as a prudish attempt to deny us the sight of bare, glistening torsos within the confines of the 90 minutes of the soccer game. At any rate, he was shown a second yellow, a sending off so glorious it convinced at least one subscriber to this newsletter to purchase an Eric Hassli Whitecaps jersey, despite the fact that he is a Revolution fan.
They are landmark moments in MLS history, just a wealth of iconic dumb imagery. And I am sorry I lacked the forethought to prevent both of them from advancing past this round.
#14 Carlos Vela Cranks 34 vs. #19 MLS Cup at Magic City
Look, I included Carlos Vela’s season because I had to put it somewhere, even if it wasn’t a moment, not really. Almost all of Vela’s potential for individual moments were stolen away from him by Zlatan. So we must take them all in, altogether, which might dilute it slightly as a single concrete image, sure. But it was one of the greatest individual seasons to ever happen in MLS.
And, apologies to Cracklitos, here, because I might have screwed him over with this seeding, but he goes up against unnamed Atlanta United players taking MLS Cup to Magic City.
I was in Atlanta for the 2018 MLS Cup Final, and almost everyone I talked to who has been around the American Soccer block said the same thing: it was the first time that MLS Cup felt like it was the Super Bowl, or the World Series, or the NBA Championships of soccer in a city. Everyone in the city knew what was happening; everyone was excited about it. The city really adopted Atlanta United as their own and a legitimate sports franchise incredibly quickly compared to other major metropolitan areas in the United States, and it was kind of beautiful to see.
This, in its own way, was yet another sign that MLS had made it as a real league. Magic City is one of the most famous strip clubs in the United States, a famed taste-maker when it comes to the Atlanta rap scene. If the girls at Magic City can’t get with your music, your music isn’t making it to radio. To put it simply, the employees at Magic City found the presence of the MLS Cup on their stage (surrounded by cash) amenable.
#11 Zlatan Debuts; Proceeds to Zlatan vs. #22 Alan Gordon Wins the Cali Clasico
Let’s do a littler Cali Clasico matchup, shall we? LA Galaxy spent the majority of the league’s history as leaders: a team that won the most championships, a team that signed the biggest stars, a team that was the most interesting in the league year in, year out. And then, in 2018, LAFC came along, with Carlos Vela in tow, and took that away from a Galaxy side that had flagged in recent years. To make matters worse, LAFC began their first ever match with the Galaxy by just stomping them into the Earth, opening up a 3-0 and holding it to the 60th minute. What could be done about all this?
Zlatan.
Zlatan’s time in MLS was a maelstrom of arrogance and brilliance, and the first moment was just as exciting as the last.
And speaking of last-second excitement, what say you, Mr. Gordon?
The voice-cracking call is unforgettable. The stadium-shaking crowd was raucous. Sometimes, there’s just no replacement for a goal at the last possible moment, in the biggest circumstances. Gordon’s goal wasn’t flashy or fun, no. But it is instantly memorable.
#6 Rico Clark Kicks Carlos Ruiz vs. #27 Caleb Porter’s Victory Scream at Bruce Arena
And rounding it out, let’s get /*~*controversial*~*\ with two moments MLS would probably rather you forget!
Rico Clark winding up and intentionally punting Carlos Ruiz in the chest is one of the more shocking moments in MLS history, one for which Clark got an extremely justified suspension…..
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….but almost every single player in the league wanted to kick Carlos Ruiz as hard as they could. Rico was just the one who ended up snapping first. This isn’t a feel good story. Except, I’m going to guess, it secretly did feel good for a great many people. Wanton violence!
And up against it, we’ve got one of the many Caleb Porter clips that could possibly see entry into a competition such as this, but we’ll go with the one that is, quite simply, the second most gif-able moment in MLS history after the Andrew Wenger dribble.
Video of this specific incident is a little hard to come by, so excuse the low-rez gif. But if you need a lip-reader to tell you what Caleb Porter yells at Bruce Arena after the Portland Timbers scored in stoppage time to beat the LA Galaxy, I shall do my best: “Fuck yeah, motherfucker.”
I will never not laugh at this clip. Porter making direct eye contact with Bruce Arena as he says it. Arena’s disappointed Jersey dad shake of the head as he walks away. It is quite simply one of the best coach-vs-coach moments ever, and I salute the intrepid gif makers out there keeping it alive despite MLS scrubbing it from the actual highlights of this goal.
As always, the polls to vote on these match-ups will be conducted via Twitter thread, which you probably saw before you came here, but in case you didn’t, here’s where to go.
A Public Service Announcement
Trivia Time, Baby
Which of the following players did NOT appear for a professional indoor soccer team in the United States?
A) Landon Donovan
B) Eusebio
C) Dave Sarachan
D) Eric Wynalda
D) George Best
E) Preki