The Gang Buys a Soccer Club
*whistles the intro music*
Cold open: the interior of Paddyâs Pub. DENNIS and FRANK sit at the bar in the empty establishment, while DEE is behind the bar, leaning on it and listening in.
FRANK: âŠand that way, they canât tell that itâs your income youâre not paying taxes on.
DENNIS: Frank, it wonât matter if the government thinks all your income went to a Nigerian prince who emailed you, because ALL OF YOUR INCOME went to a Nigerian prince who emailed you.
The door bangs open, as MAC enters with a newspaper and a scarf wrapped around his head.
MAC: BOOM! Iâm rich, everythingâs happening, and I might even still talk to you guys when Iâm off in rich-person land eating those little fish poops.
DEE: You mean fish eggs?
MAC: (laughs) I didnât shove my hand up a catfish ass to get any eggs, Iâll tell you that much. Iâm talking the real expensive shit here.
DENNIS: Ok, rewind a second. Why are you rich.
MAC: I bought a football club!
FRANK: You bought the Eagles?
DEE: Where did you get the money for that?
MAC: No, a football club! You know. (puts on bad British accent) Football club! Pip pip, cheerio, colonize the world, kick the ball. Football club!
DENNIS: A soccer team.
MAC: Yeah!
DENNIS: Iâm not even going to touch the âhowâ of this, especially if youâve been reaching inside a catfish. Why did you buy a soccer team? What soccer team even is it?
MAC: Because theyâre walking cash cows! Everyone in England watches soccer. So, not only are you making money off the tickets and concessions, itâs also free advertisement! And donât you think Paddyâs could use a little help in the advertising department? (hands DENNIS a brochure)
DENNIS: âWrecks-Ham Association Football Clubâ
MAC: Not âwrecks-ham.â Wrexham! You know, like, Wrecks âEm! Weâre about to Wreck everyone!
FRANK: I donât get it, how does this advertise the bar?
MAC: Simple. Every soccer team in England has a sponsorship on the front of their shirt, right? Itâs like free billboard space that everyoneâs going to see, and if I own the club, I can just slap that shit on there and collect my cut of the profits back home.
DEE: If the point of buying the club is making Paddyâs more money, you do realize that makes all of us money, and not just you, right?
MAC: IâŠwell, IâŠ
DENNIS: (still reading) And who from Wrexham, Wales is going to see this advertisement of Paddyâs and decide to fly to Pennsylvania for a pint?
MAC: âŠall of them?
DENNIS: (sighs) How did you buy this soccer team?
MAC: Well, theyâre not a very big soccer team, so that definitely helped us out.
DENNIS: Us? Who is us?
MAC: Us! The group that bought the team! Me and my partner!
DENNIS: Whoâs the partner?
MAC: âŠRyan Reynolds.
DEE: Ryan Reynolds?!
FRANK: You got Batman!?
DENNIS: How did you get Ryan Reynolds to buy a soccer team with you?
The door bangs open again as CHARLIE stumbles in, dragging a gently struggling man with a black bag over his head through the door with him, hyperventilating slightly.
CHARLIE: Mac! We got a problem!
MAC: Charlie, I told you to keep him tied to a chair at the warehouse!
CHARLIE: Yeah, see, thatâs the problem. Because I thought the warehouse workers would be really cool with it, too, and we were out smoking, and I even got a little hat like they did, and we were really connecting, man! Theyâve got a great group over there, man, they even make little flyers and posters and shit, look at this stuff. (he produces a crumpled up poster from his back pocket)
MAC: âJoin a fraternity of white brothers in arms bonded in a common goalâŠâ Charlie, this is some white nationalist shit!
CHARLIE: Nationals, no, thereâs no way, those guys are all Phillies fans.
MAC: NO, CHARLIE, LIKE THE KKK.
CHARLIE: (thinking) that would explain why their aprons at the barbecues covered their whole head.
MAC: But why did you bring him here?
CHARLIE: Well, they were wondering who I was forcibly keeping captive in their back office, which, I suppose, is a fair question, and so I told them it was Ryan Gosling.
MAC: Why did you tell them you had Ryan Gosling tied to a chair in their warehouse?!
CHARLIE: Because I didnât have Ryan Gosling tied to a chair in their warehouse, we had Ryan Reynolds tied to a chair in their warehouse, I was trying to throw them off the scent!
DEE: Thatâs Ryan Reynolds?
DENNIS: You kidnapped Ryan Reynolds?!
MAC: You told a bunch of neo-nazis who know both of our names and faces that we were holding Ryan Gosling captive in the warehouse where they work?
CHARLIE: YES! And it didnât work, because they started to get all uppity, and I was afraid they were going to try to kidnap him, so I brought him here.
DENNIS: You brought him⊠to an Irish pub. Irish Catholics being a group the KKK is long-known for being very cozy with.
CHARLIE: Yes! Now help me with this guy, I think heâs developing a tolerance to the chloroform.
MAC: Oh man, this is bad, what are we going to do?
DEE: You need to leave.
MAC: The bar?
DENNIS: Philadelphia.
DEE: The country.
FRANK: Oh! I got a prince that can help with that!
CHARLIE: Seriously guys, smell this rag, am I not putting enough chloroform on it?
THEME MUSIC. TITLE SCREEN: The Gang Buys a Soccer Club
Prayers Up for Vancouver
Who managed to not set MLS history for how bad they were in one way, but found it unavoidable in other ways.
Never give up the good fight, admin.
Ebobisse Contines to Be Good At the Game
Interestingly, Jebo has moved back out to the wings, nominally, to help provide cover for the absence of Sebastian Blanco, while Gio Savarese started Niezgoda up top for the tilt against Seattle. But itâs Ebobisse that still turned up with some great center-forward play here.
I am willing to bet that if you just keep playing the man at forward, good things will happen. Thatâs just my opinion though.
Have It Your Way
Yes, that fake Itâs Always Sunny cold open was partly inspired by this real-life advertising gambit that Burger King pulled off. And, I have to say, this is a fascinating little look at gaming the marketing ecosystem that exists within the soccer world, and pulling out a new tactic I donât think Iâve ever seen before. Sports!
Happy Thursday!
And learn all about KAA Gentâs crest, which I just found out yesterday was⊠this.
