Trash Compactor: The Waldo Kit
Your favorite kit is trash, and here's why.
Welcome to the beginning of a new series: Trash Compactor! It’s where I take your favorite kits of all time and in a short and timely manner tell you why they’re trash. If you clicked the link for the combination of the title and the subtitle, then I’m willing to guess that there’s a simmering rage bubbling up inside you, as you prepare to tell me that THE RED HOOPS ARE THE BEST KIT THE UNITED STATES HAS EVER HAD. And I am here to tell you, in an infuriatingly calm and holier-than-thou manner, that you’re wrong.
The Waldos are trash.
Now, there’s an important distinction to make here. Am I saying the Waldos are the worst kit the USMNT or USWNT have ever worn? No, certainly not. In fact, in my total ranking of U.S. kits, the Waldos are most likely in the upper half. Maybe even Top Five. Does that mean I actually think that the Waldos are good, and I’m simply playing devil’s advocate in an attempt to inflame the masses and garner hate clicks left and right?
No. It just means I think the United States has worn a whole lot of trash. The Waldos are trash. Distinctive and decently high-concept trash, but trash all the same.
The big problem with the Waldos is right there in the name we use to refer to all of them: Waldo. Nike attempted to create a home shirt that was reminiscent of the U.S. flag and not in a way that made the jersey look like a fast food chain’s patriotic 4th of July special (shouts out to you, ‘94 World Cup primary kit). In doing so, they accidentally paid tribute to everyone’s favorite hide-and-seek champion, a man who could not social distance even if he really wanted to. The look was solidified, the name stuck, and the United States were officially the Waldos. And that sucks! Waldo is a terrible national identity. You put the jersey on and everyone is immediately reminded of a person that disappears faster than Michael Bradley’s consistency when he left Italy.
And even if you divorce the shirt from the clear Waldo connection, you’re still left with some Christmas-time cheer idiots running around on the field. Trust me. I saw Jermaine Jones try to sever Neymar’s legs from his body while wearing one of these bad boys in person. He did not look tough or intimidating doing it. In fact, the only person on the field that looked like they belonged in that jersey was Kyle Beckerman, and that’s because he looked like he was still hungover from a Grateful Dead tribute concert the night before, and he just happened to be wearing that shirt when he stumbled onto the field (and, it must be said, delivered a vicious body dummy that almost resulted in a U.S. goal. It is quite possible that the Brazilian defense got lost looking at all of those stripes and just simply forgot about the ball as they attempted to find the 3D image hidden somewhere in the shirts, crossing and uncrossing their eyes in futility. And to that point, I suppose the Waldo design does serve the purpose of distracting the opposition. Ten points to Waldo).
The jersey just looks like something designed by a child; the most literal way you could possibly create an American jersey. And I know we Americans don’t really do very well with subtlety and metaphor, but for the love of god, if I could not have my team wearing something that looks like it was drawn in crayon by a fourth grader, that would be great.
Hoops are tough to pull off well. And the teams that do manage it have done it out of sheer force of will and stubbornness, indoctrinating people into their hoop cult until there is no more dissent. People like Celtic, QPR, hell, even FC Dallas. But a random bright red hoops shirt every several years? Nope. Not for me. It just looks dopey and forced. As an alternative, I submit a jersey I think was criminally underrated that *also* utilized hoops, the USMNT 2008 primary shirt.
This jersey does a lot while not doing too much, and keeping things a bit more subtle than the Waldos. As a primary, it follows U.S. tradition of being mostly white with dark blue shorts, but these ones had an off-white, sublimated hoop pattern separated by horizontal red pin-stripes. Didn’t look goofy or hokey, or like a cartoon character, but it also was far more than a plain white t-shirt. Which is more than can be said about Landon Donovan’s musical taste, but hey. You take the wins you can get.
Sure, the Waldos are the most distinctive look the U.S. has ever had. But that doesn’t mean they were good. Throw ‘em in the trash where they belong, wipe the snot from your nose, and get a grown-up jersey.
Want me to roast a kit that is beloved? Literally, just tell me which one you want me to do, anywhere, anytime. I live for this.
Speaking of the United States
This was an exciting game. I enjoyed it greatly when I watched it live. But broadcasting this as a classic USMNT match just shows you how we are scraping the bottom of the barrel for what qualified as “classic.” Yes, we beat the Netherlands. Yes, the comeback was very fun and the team played well. But it was a friendly game. We made six substitutes. And we didn’t start the comeback until we had our 4th, 5th, and 6th substitutes on the field. Ventura Alvarado started this game. Our comeback was spurred by a counter-attack spear-headed by… *checks notes* …John Brooks. This was a fun game. This was not a classic. The nomenclature police are out in full force on the newsletter today.
Trivia *rap siren* *rap siren* *rap siren*
Juventus, rather famously, first started playing as a club in pink jerseys, before switching to their iconic black and white vertical stripes. But what club allegedly inspired the new look for Juve?
Notts County
where do I drop my conspiracy theory that USSF is rigging the results to A) bump some jersey sales and B) justify Nike continuously shifting colors, style, overall look despite there being multiple excellent options for a consistent home/away kits