We Are All Eric Dier Running to the Bathroom
The man needed to use the restroom. The man was in the middle of playing a game.
Story time: Little League baseball (technically, the level below Little League, which we called Grasshoppers). A cool, early summer evening in Bath, NY. Second-grade Adam is posting up in right field. He’s still developing and finding himself, as evidenced by the fact that he’s still playing baseball. He’s dancing, all by himself, waiting for his team to finally record the third out, because he has to pee.
It’s an unfortunate thing, needing to pee while playing baseball, because there’s no guarantee when you’re going to get the chance to use the restroom. I couldn’t just leave the field. What if someone hit it to right field, for once in my life? I wasn’t about to let down my team. I wasn’t about to let down the game. What would Hank Aaron say, looking down at me (…from Atlanta, seeing as he’s still alive)? And so, while my team floundered around the infield, which is where the vast majority of those games were played, I danced in the outfield, willing the urine to stay safely within my bladder. And I danced. And I held. And then-
Sweet, utter relief. God bless my Mother. My uniform pants were white, and being below the age of ten, I was not the one washing my clothes.
Eric Dier, in the middle of a cup match against Chelsea, felt the same call I did. Eric Dier, for a split second, was that second grader on a baseball field, his pants a little too baggy, his freckles splashed everywhere on his skin, the brim of his hat folded in a broken V. And then Eric Dier, being a grown man and not a child, ran right off the field.
I can safely say I have never in my life, at perhaps any level, seen a soccer player run off the field to use the restroom while he was playing in the game. I can’t even imagine the sheer force that toilet must have felt, as Eric Dier willed his bowels to move more recklessly than a Fast & Furious movie, while Jose Mourinho stood outside the stall, yelling at him to hurry it up.
I can see it now. Tottenham 2020: We Put the Pressure On [Eric Dier].
And while I may make the point that I, as an eight year old, had more courage and dedication to my craft than a man that has appeared 42 times for England, and we would all have to agree that that’s an accurate statement, because I remained on the field, technically playing the game while I stood there with nothing to do in right field, and Eric Dier ran off the field in a game that has no real lengthy breaks in play outside of halftime, I have no desire to wield my superiority over Eric Dier, simply because I had the gusto to piss myself where no one would see me, and Eric Dier did not wish to soil his shorts in front of television cameras with excellent zoom capabilities and crystal-clear HD quality. I’m better than that.
Instead, all I will say about Mr. Dier’s urgent trip to the loo is it’s a delightfully normal moment in the midst of a still-abnormal time. Who among us hasn’t needed to use the bathroom, suddenly and without much explanation, like a murder in a Flannery O’Connor story? In the middle of a game, a meeting, a presentation in front of several hundred esteemed and respected colleagues? We are all Eric Dier; Eric Dier is all of us, forever linked by our inevitable and poorly timed digestive systems.
And! Tottenham did come back from a 1-0 deficit when Dier made his fateful journey to defeat Chelsea on penalties. So, in the grand realm of opponents Eric Dier faced yesterday, I suppose you can say that Chelsea weren’t even shit.
That’s Just Neat
Didn’t think I’d see the day where Spanish media were shouting questions in English for an American player arriving to sign with Barcelona, but here we are. Wild time, man.
Let’s Talk About Orlando
Because if I had to pick a Most Improved MLS team right now, it would certainly be Orlando City. Fourth place in the East, just four points behind first place, and a lot of that is down to Oscar Pareja.
Thankfully, Felipe exists, and this is a typically excellent interview from him with Pareja on stepping into Orlando, his philosophy of play, and the emergence of Daryl Dike. It’s worth your time. Give it a read.
It’s Bleak Out There! Here’s Some Puppies to Help!
If you’re anything like me, a person who uninstalled Twitter on his phone to stop himself from doom-scrolling through the presidential debates, mental health is difficult these days! So here’s a little serotonin boost to get you through your Wednesday.
