What's Your Premier League Player Theme Music?
The Premier League is experimenting with musical interludes. Which means its time to build a theoretical playlist.
The Premier League is BACK back. Like, all the way back. Like, Arsenal already made a fool of themselves and we’ve had issues with VAR and goal line technology back. That’s all the way back, man.
The title race is all but wrapped up, but there’s still plenty on the line. 3rd through 7th place is a mere ten points apart. West Ham, Watford, and Bournemouth are all tied on 27 points at 16th, 17th, and 18th, with Aston Villa right behind them at 26 points, and Norwich still hasn’t quite lost touch with the rest of that pack despite being dead last in the league with 21 points. That’s a ton of intrigue and prestige still to play for!
But none of that really matters. What really matters is that the Premier League is possibly getting player theme music. And that, my friends, is hilarious and wonderful.
What with the empty stands and all, teams are looking for innovative ways to improve the viewing experience. Player theme music is part of that, apparently, and I cannot wait to see which clubs actually do it. There’s just something about player entrance music that feels so very American, a certain WWE-esque quality to it. You hear the player music, and you know you’re in for something special, as if suddenly, in the midst of the game, you just hear “CAN YOU SMEEEEEEELLL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING?!” Everyone freezes in place, the ball rolling to the wayside. Because that music means The Rock is here. And that changes everything.
Sure, the stands are empty, which means the player music feels less like a professional wrestling match and more like a minor league baseball game, but still! Teams and players can and should have fun with this. And because this is my newsletter, I’m going to have fun with it. And by extension, so are all of you. Here is just a beginning sample of player introduction and/or goal celebration songs I believe would enhance the games of their matched players tenfold.
Heung-Min Son: “Here Comes the Sun” by The Beatles
Yes, I know this is a well-worn player-song combo, but COME ON, the branding opportunities are too good here. I could have used this space to put in some K-Pop foolishness (and if I did do that, I would’ve put down the BTS Mic Drop Remix, because it bangs), but I wanted to be clever instead. It’s the perfect music for Son. It just is.
Tammy Abraham: “I Don’t Want to Wait” by Paula Cole
In case you were wondering what the hell this song is without opening it up, it’s the theme song to Dawson’s Creek.
Let’s get messy! Tammy Abraham has proven to be a very capable striker in his first year at the helm with Chelsea, and Chelsea have responded by going out and buying Timo Werner, someone who will most likely be in direct competition with Tammy Abraham! Imagine Tammy scoring and this song coming on, man. It would be glorious. Let’s go full soap opera.
Christian Pulisic: “Toosie Slide” by Drake
Sigh. Look, I’m not a proponent of the song, right? I just think Pulisic is a very “of the times” young man, and that means he listens to Drake and participates in TikTok challenges. You saw him and Weston McKennie hitting the whoa celebration at last summer’s Gold Cup, right? Yeah. This just makes sense.
Marcus Rashford: “Vossi Bop” by Stormzy
Stormzy loves Manchester United. Marcus Rashford loves Manchester United. And given Rashford’s therapeutic and comprehensive take-downs of British politicians on Twitter lately while he simultaneously figures out how to feed English children this summer, I can think of no better athlete to celebrate with a song that says “fuck the government, fuck Boris.”
Roberto Firmino: “Born to Shine” by Big Grams
This one takes a little bit to actually get into, but just skip forward to Killer Mike’s verse. Roberto Firmino might not be the main attraction for Liverpool, but her almost certainly is the one who would walk in as described by the song.
Kevin de Bruyne: “Tenderness” by General Public
Do I really have a reason for this? No, not really, outside of de Bruyne being baby-faced and adorable and this song just seems to make sense for him. Plus it would be hilarious to see people celebrating to it.
Jamie Vardy: “Tubthumping” by Chumbawumba
Jamie Vardy. A song about drinking far, far too much, and then getting back up to party some more. “Pissing the night away.” This is Jamie Vardy’s song. It just is.
Harry Kane: “God Save the Queen”
I picture Harry Kane going about most of his daily routine to “God Save the Queen,” actually. Brushing his teeth? God save the queen. Eating beans on toast? God save the queen. Trying to rush himself back from a dramatic injury? God save the queen. He’s just so unrelentingly British, man.
Dele Alli: “God Save the Queen” by The Sex Pistols
Dele Alli, on the other hand, definitely has the anarchist energy within him. This version of God Save the Queen feels like it fits. A yin and yang at Tottenham.
Todd Cantwell- “Ebeneezer Good” by The Shamen
Todd Cantwell was the person who almost derailed this whole thing. I don’t need to be subjected to more of Todd Cantwell’s dancing. He does not need music. If anything, he needs less music in his head, all the time. But, given the tremendous “white boy from the suburbs who hung out with the only four black kids at his school” constantly radiating off of Cantwell at nearly all times, I settled on this gem. Not being English, I was only made aware of this song’s existence thanks to this tweet a couple year’s back, showing this godforsaken techno rap band performing it at an Arsenal game.
And I can think of no better player to carry on this legacy.
Let’s All Participate
Hit me up with players and songs you want to see and hear in the middle of a match. I’ll put together a Spotify playlist out of all of them.
NWSL Stays On Top
First major contact sport league in the United States back to play, and still the reigning champions of jersey design.
Don’t know what you can say to that, man. That’s a great jersey anywhere in the world. It just is. Let’s see if it sells out in two minutes because they don’t stock enough of them.
My suggestion is dumb, and not just because GKs rarely get subbed, but here goes.
Claudio Bravo - Empire State of Mind